Expressions are my thing
dinsdag 26 mei 2009
tHE ARTist blog
In drawing and writing I can express myself.
I love India and Indonesia
Waiting to be finished drawing
Looking for the right angle.zondag 3 mei 2009
Lizzy's lost
I'm lost.
Yeah and Sayid is too, I know, I am trying to find him ;)
But that's a completely different story.
No, I mean really lost, mentally, spiritually, what ever. All the way.
~
It started with a sudden heart attack 13 months ago. That was a very scaring moment. I almost died, complete with a near dead experience. Usually people who have such an experience are drawn to the light, but not Lizzy. She was fighting her way back from the light.
I can't explain it other wise then that I wasn't ready to go. Yet.
Whilst on the intenive care unit I saw a long dark corridor (tunnel?) with on the other side a bright but soft white light. There were doors on both sides of the corridor and I tried to open them to hide from that white light. Not all doors were open but the ones that did invite me in showed me some important life-lessons. Like what happened to me as a child, why I had this feeling that nobody loved me or what I could do to make the rest of my life a bit more easier.
I managed to opn 11 doors, each one bringing me further away from the light. I knew that when I would step into that light I would die and I wasn't ready for it. So I fought my way back through the school-corridor as I see it now, classroom for classroom. In the meanwhile I had several run in's with a nurse on the intensive care because I was struggling for air and I couldn't breath on my back and she came in again and again to push me back on the bed. It was around 7 oclock in the morning, the sun was coming up when I tried the 12th door. But then the cardiologist came in and set me free. I could go to a normal room. I remember throwing a vert angry look at that (night) nurse and telling her that I had my lessons well learned. But I don't know why I said that. I never saw her again. A few months later my cardiologist told me I had literally fought my way back from death but directed that against the head-nurse from the ICU. I apologized but he smiled and said it just proved I wasn't going down without a fight. He said he had seen way too many patients give in that way.
~
So, Lizzy's back. But somehow I doubt if it is still the same Lizzy.
Because so many things have changed since that night. To mention a few: I am a Buddhist and I never was afraid of dying, until that night.
I don't know yet if it is the fear of dying actually. It could also mean that death is okay, I know the Bardo, I know what to do when I am dead. I belief it is the fear of suffocating that makes me so unbelievable scared.
It gives me such panic-attacks that I belief I am dying right there and then (or the other way around). It brings me Angina Pectoris and hyperventilation attacks that leaves me afraid to go some where outside my own room, for the darkness to fill in the room at night, I panic when my inhalers are not there where they should or when they show indications that they're almost empty. To go to bed without knowing I will wake up healthy the next morning.
All this anxiety have changed me. Very much. I never before lost my temper when some things didn't go the way I want them. Like walking to the door when someone rings. I have to do that in three times now. Or when I want to write a piece and make a few more writing mistakes then usually I shout at my cat because she decides to fall asleep on pen and paper, or the keyboard for the same matter. I can get really angry and upset, for nothing. It's like I am running on empty (sorry, Jackson, but please know I am a huge fan) there is almost no energy left inside of me.
And there is soooo much I want to see and do before my death. And that list is almost daily growing longer. I want to study antropology, I want to live in India, I want to see my light-child at Paris, Arkansas, I want her too meet Naveen Andrews and stay out of side but secretly watch them when they are having lunch (of course organized by yours truly). I want to learn how to swim but because of my fear of suffocating with oxygen, like scuba diving, because I want to see where the wonderful fish i my aquariums originally come from. I want to meet the Dalai Lama. And to change the interior of my room... I have so many plans, dear God, you have to grant me another 53 years on this planet, please.
I don't know if one of the things I just wrote will ever happen, but you get the meaning, huh? I can't go over yet, but I hardly have the energy either. That's so confusing. That makes me so lost.
And where is Sayid when he is needed!
Yeah and Sayid is too, I know, I am trying to find him ;)
But that's a completely different story.
No, I mean really lost, mentally, spiritually, what ever. All the way.
~
It started with a sudden heart attack 13 months ago. That was a very scaring moment. I almost died, complete with a near dead experience. Usually people who have such an experience are drawn to the light, but not Lizzy. She was fighting her way back from the light.
I can't explain it other wise then that I wasn't ready to go. Yet.
Whilst on the intenive care unit I saw a long dark corridor (tunnel?) with on the other side a bright but soft white light. There were doors on both sides of the corridor and I tried to open them to hide from that white light. Not all doors were open but the ones that did invite me in showed me some important life-lessons. Like what happened to me as a child, why I had this feeling that nobody loved me or what I could do to make the rest of my life a bit more easier.
I managed to opn 11 doors, each one bringing me further away from the light. I knew that when I would step into that light I would die and I wasn't ready for it. So I fought my way back through the school-corridor as I see it now, classroom for classroom. In the meanwhile I had several run in's with a nurse on the intensive care because I was struggling for air and I couldn't breath on my back and she came in again and again to push me back on the bed. It was around 7 oclock in the morning, the sun was coming up when I tried the 12th door. But then the cardiologist came in and set me free. I could go to a normal room. I remember throwing a vert angry look at that (night) nurse and telling her that I had my lessons well learned. But I don't know why I said that. I never saw her again. A few months later my cardiologist told me I had literally fought my way back from death but directed that against the head-nurse from the ICU. I apologized but he smiled and said it just proved I wasn't going down without a fight. He said he had seen way too many patients give in that way.
~
So, Lizzy's back. But somehow I doubt if it is still the same Lizzy.
Because so many things have changed since that night. To mention a few: I am a Buddhist and I never was afraid of dying, until that night.
I don't know yet if it is the fear of dying actually. It could also mean that death is okay, I know the Bardo, I know what to do when I am dead. I belief it is the fear of suffocating that makes me so unbelievable scared.
It gives me such panic-attacks that I belief I am dying right there and then (or the other way around). It brings me Angina Pectoris and hyperventilation attacks that leaves me afraid to go some where outside my own room, for the darkness to fill in the room at night, I panic when my inhalers are not there where they should or when they show indications that they're almost empty. To go to bed without knowing I will wake up healthy the next morning.
All this anxiety have changed me. Very much. I never before lost my temper when some things didn't go the way I want them. Like walking to the door when someone rings. I have to do that in three times now. Or when I want to write a piece and make a few more writing mistakes then usually I shout at my cat because she decides to fall asleep on pen and paper, or the keyboard for the same matter. I can get really angry and upset, for nothing. It's like I am running on empty (sorry, Jackson, but please know I am a huge fan) there is almost no energy left inside of me.
And there is soooo much I want to see and do before my death. And that list is almost daily growing longer. I want to study antropology, I want to live in India, I want to see my light-child at Paris, Arkansas, I want her too meet Naveen Andrews and stay out of side but secretly watch them when they are having lunch (of course organized by yours truly). I want to learn how to swim but because of my fear of suffocating with oxygen, like scuba diving, because I want to see where the wonderful fish i my aquariums originally come from. I want to meet the Dalai Lama. And to change the interior of my room... I have so many plans, dear God, you have to grant me another 53 years on this planet, please.
I don't know if one of the things I just wrote will ever happen, but you get the meaning, huh? I can't go over yet, but I hardly have the energy either. That's so confusing. That makes me so lost.
And where is Sayid when he is needed!
Science and Diversity
Africa's genetic secrets unlocked
By Victoria Gill Science reporter, BBC News
To operate in remote areas, some equipment had to run on a car battery
A genetic map of Africa - the continent from which all modern humans originate - has provided information about its huge diversity of language and culture.
It is the result of the largest African genetic study ever undertaken.
The work revealed the continent to be the most genetically diverse place on Earth, and identified descendents of our earliest human ancestors.
The international team of scientists describe their 10-year study in the journal Science.
The team, led by Sarah Tishkoff from the University of Pennsylvania, studied genetic material from 121 African populations.
They collected over 3,000 samples, and identified 14 "ancestral population clusters". These are groups of populations with common genetic ancestry, who share ethnicity and similarities in both their culture and the properties of their languages.
"This is a spectacular insight into the history of African populations and therefore the history of mankind," said Muntaser Ibrahim, a researcher from the University of Khartoum, who was also involved in the study.
The team looked at individual ancestry, or genetic similarities in their samples, by comparing the frequencies of more than 1,000 DNA markers - sections of the DNA code that are known to reveal common genetic heritage.
"In the past, [geneticists] studied just a few Africans, and suggested they were representative of the continent, but we've found that no population is representative of all of this diversity," said Dr Tishkoff.
"Our goal has been to do research that will benefit Africans," she said. "I hope this will set the stage for future genomics research there, and future biomedical research."
The completion of the study could enable such research, allowing the link between genes and disease to be properly studied.
"The genetic variants we've identified may play a role in disease susceptibility and the different ways in which people respond to drugs," Dr Tishkoff explained.
Remote research
Her team had to gather genetic samples from some of the continent's most remote communities.
To extract the important information from blood samples, they have to be "spun down", using a centrifuge to produce a pellet containing the DNA.
"In the most remote areas, we used a centrifuge that plugged into a car battery," Dr Tishkoff recalled.
Largely as a result of these difficulties, a large amount of the group's data comes from populations that have never previously been studied genetically.
This is the first time we have had the genetic data to reconstruct migration events
Sarah TishkoffUniversity of Pennsylvania
This allows the map to provide an entirely new link between biology, and existing anthropology and linguistic information.
The research also located the origin of modern human migration in south-western Africa, near the coastal border of Namibia and Angola.
This is based on the widely-accepted theory that the highest level of genetic diversity is in the oldest population - the one that has had the longest to evolve.
The site is the homeland of the indigenous San communities, Dr Tishkoff explained.
"It's not surprising but it's a very neat finding because the San have already been shown to have the oldest genetic lineages, suggesting they may be descendents of a population ancestral to all modern humans."
Genetic reconstruction
The data has revealed a great deal about the history of the continent. "This is the first time we have had the genetic data to reconstruct migration events," Dr Tishkoff commented.
Her team, which represented an variety of academic disciplines, showed how genetic and linguistic diversity have co-evolved. This analysis revealed some surprises.
"The Masai people [in Kenya], for example, have maintained their traditional language and pastoral lifestyle, but genetically they've mixed a lot with populations from Ethiopia [who speak a different language]," said Dr Tishkoff.
The researchers also took samples from four African American populations, and traced their African ancestry. This was, as expected, mostly pinned down to West Africa.
Mark Thomas from the Department of Genetics, Evolution and Environment at UCL praised the study, and said that the level of diversity discovered was "broadly what we would expect".
He added that because the origins of African American ancestry can be seen "all the way from Senegal down to Angola, it will be a long time before a DNA test will be able to identify someone's ancestral origin.
"That's despite the ridiculous claims of some of these DNA testing companies."
Tags: africa, antropology, dna, geneticaly, science
By Victoria Gill Science reporter, BBC News
To operate in remote areas, some equipment had to run on a car battery
A genetic map of Africa - the continent from which all modern humans originate - has provided information about its huge diversity of language and culture.
It is the result of the largest African genetic study ever undertaken.
The work revealed the continent to be the most genetically diverse place on Earth, and identified descendents of our earliest human ancestors.
The international team of scientists describe their 10-year study in the journal Science.
The team, led by Sarah Tishkoff from the University of Pennsylvania, studied genetic material from 121 African populations.
They collected over 3,000 samples, and identified 14 "ancestral population clusters". These are groups of populations with common genetic ancestry, who share ethnicity and similarities in both their culture and the properties of their languages.
"This is a spectacular insight into the history of African populations and therefore the history of mankind," said Muntaser Ibrahim, a researcher from the University of Khartoum, who was also involved in the study.
The team looked at individual ancestry, or genetic similarities in their samples, by comparing the frequencies of more than 1,000 DNA markers - sections of the DNA code that are known to reveal common genetic heritage.
"In the past, [geneticists] studied just a few Africans, and suggested they were representative of the continent, but we've found that no population is representative of all of this diversity," said Dr Tishkoff.
"Our goal has been to do research that will benefit Africans," she said. "I hope this will set the stage for future genomics research there, and future biomedical research."
The completion of the study could enable such research, allowing the link between genes and disease to be properly studied.
"The genetic variants we've identified may play a role in disease susceptibility and the different ways in which people respond to drugs," Dr Tishkoff explained.
Remote research
Her team had to gather genetic samples from some of the continent's most remote communities.
To extract the important information from blood samples, they have to be "spun down", using a centrifuge to produce a pellet containing the DNA.
"In the most remote areas, we used a centrifuge that plugged into a car battery," Dr Tishkoff recalled.
Largely as a result of these difficulties, a large amount of the group's data comes from populations that have never previously been studied genetically.
This is the first time we have had the genetic data to reconstruct migration events
Sarah TishkoffUniversity of Pennsylvania
This allows the map to provide an entirely new link between biology, and existing anthropology and linguistic information.
The research also located the origin of modern human migration in south-western Africa, near the coastal border of Namibia and Angola.
This is based on the widely-accepted theory that the highest level of genetic diversity is in the oldest population - the one that has had the longest to evolve.
The site is the homeland of the indigenous San communities, Dr Tishkoff explained.
"It's not surprising but it's a very neat finding because the San have already been shown to have the oldest genetic lineages, suggesting they may be descendents of a population ancestral to all modern humans."
Genetic reconstruction
The data has revealed a great deal about the history of the continent. "This is the first time we have had the genetic data to reconstruct migration events," Dr Tishkoff commented.
Her team, which represented an variety of academic disciplines, showed how genetic and linguistic diversity have co-evolved. This analysis revealed some surprises.
"The Masai people [in Kenya], for example, have maintained their traditional language and pastoral lifestyle, but genetically they've mixed a lot with populations from Ethiopia [who speak a different language]," said Dr Tishkoff.
The researchers also took samples from four African American populations, and traced their African ancestry. This was, as expected, mostly pinned down to West Africa.
Mark Thomas from the Department of Genetics, Evolution and Environment at UCL praised the study, and said that the level of diversity discovered was "broadly what we would expect".
He added that because the origins of African American ancestry can be seen "all the way from Senegal down to Angola, it will be a long time before a DNA test will be able to identify someone's ancestral origin.
"That's despite the ridiculous claims of some of these DNA testing companies."
Tags: africa, antropology, dna, geneticaly, science
zondag 8 maart 2009
How I became a Buddhist
A Life-time ago
I promised to tell you how I became a Buddhist.
Promising something is easy.
Telling something is easy too.
But telling from a remembrance is quiet a different story.
I took refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha almost 19 years ago.
It didn't just happen, I was searching and it came to me.
You see, I was an alcoholic, I used to drink my self to sleep every night.
Every night from age 21 till 23.
Because my grandfather came to haunt me even after he died when I was 18.
He sexually abused me.
From age 2 till 12.
I used to suppress that memory until I became aware of it much much later.
I drank enough Beer to sedate me through the night and through the day I was numb enough to survive that for more then 11 years.
I stopped drinking in 1989. That wasn't easy.
It took a lot of soul-searching and the stamina to stay true to myself.
The first year I went to a self-help-group for addicts.
I am glad I did that because it showed me that I wasn't alone on the world and there were lots of people in far more serious cases.
Not everyone in “my” group had the same success.
But I did succeed.
Not on my own, though.
I needed a partner.
I needed someone to help me.
I went to seek the “light”.
You hear that all around you if you find your self in a very difficult stage of life.
People get “re-born”, or they found the “light”.
I wanted that too.
I needed it, it very badly.
So I turned to the bible, as I am a European woman.
I read the bible, both testaments, from the first to the last letter, but without finding the much needed light.
A friend recommended the Bhagavad Gita.
So I read Krishna's very enriching wisdom.
But that was not enough for me.
I took the Holy Qor'an to mind and read that too.
But still I was not “fulfilled”.
By that time I was working for Fair Trade and managed a “World Shop”as the are called in the Netherlands.
We got new items every day from all over the world, books, cards, clothings, jewelry, food, wine, art-work, candles and fragrance, you name it, we had it.
One day I friend of mine burned some new fragrance in a little soapstone Buddha-sculpture, we use to tell our clients exactly what kind of fragrance they would buy, how it smelled and how we experienced it.
Because fragrance, like herbs and minerals have a healing power.
The little Buddha who was holding the fragrance stick in it's tiny hands caught my special attention. I remember thinking it would burn it's hands at the end of the fragrance stick. My friend laughed and told me that the good lord Buddha would suit me fine because of the compassion I felt for the little chap.
I must have given her a crazy look because she stood up, walked to the book-case and brought a book about Buddha and Buddhism with her.
Being the greedy reader and learner I immediately started reading.
And what would you know...
It spoke to me, it enlightened me, I felt at home right away.
For years I kept on reading.
I never knew there were so many different ways to Buddhism.
At first I was tempted to find a Buddhist Temple here in Holland, but that was not that easy. There is a big wheel of motion and a small way of motion and I didn't want to chose.
I had to chose sides all my life, chose my mothers side or my fathers side, chose my sisters side or the neighbors. And like in all religions Holland has many side in Christianity too.
And don't get me starting about the many Hindu deities as well!
So I chose for myself.
I would learn everything about following the path of Buddha on my own way.
That's so typical Lizzy. Always try out herself before asking any one else.
But this time I was right.
I took refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha in a meditation and asked for Guidance.
That never stopped.
I am being guided through everything during my whole life.
As long as I stay in my own truth, nothing can touch me.
You're warm, safe and enlightened all the time.
And that was exactly what I was looking for, because that was denied to me the first half of my life.
Padmapani56 aka Lotus StGeorge. 2009
I promised to tell you how I became a Buddhist.
Promising something is easy.
Telling something is easy too.
But telling from a remembrance is quiet a different story.
I took refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha almost 19 years ago.
It didn't just happen, I was searching and it came to me.
You see, I was an alcoholic, I used to drink my self to sleep every night.
Every night from age 21 till 23.
Because my grandfather came to haunt me even after he died when I was 18.
He sexually abused me.
From age 2 till 12.
I used to suppress that memory until I became aware of it much much later.
I drank enough Beer to sedate me through the night and through the day I was numb enough to survive that for more then 11 years.
I stopped drinking in 1989. That wasn't easy.
It took a lot of soul-searching and the stamina to stay true to myself.
The first year I went to a self-help-group for addicts.
I am glad I did that because it showed me that I wasn't alone on the world and there were lots of people in far more serious cases.
Not everyone in “my” group had the same success.
But I did succeed.
Not on my own, though.
I needed a partner.
I needed someone to help me.
I went to seek the “light”.
You hear that all around you if you find your self in a very difficult stage of life.
People get “re-born”, or they found the “light”.
I wanted that too.
I needed it, it very badly.
So I turned to the bible, as I am a European woman.
I read the bible, both testaments, from the first to the last letter, but without finding the much needed light.
A friend recommended the Bhagavad Gita.
So I read Krishna's very enriching wisdom.
But that was not enough for me.
I took the Holy Qor'an to mind and read that too.
But still I was not “fulfilled”.
By that time I was working for Fair Trade and managed a “World Shop”as the are called in the Netherlands.
We got new items every day from all over the world, books, cards, clothings, jewelry, food, wine, art-work, candles and fragrance, you name it, we had it.
One day I friend of mine burned some new fragrance in a little soapstone Buddha-sculpture, we use to tell our clients exactly what kind of fragrance they would buy, how it smelled and how we experienced it.
Because fragrance, like herbs and minerals have a healing power.
The little Buddha who was holding the fragrance stick in it's tiny hands caught my special attention. I remember thinking it would burn it's hands at the end of the fragrance stick. My friend laughed and told me that the good lord Buddha would suit me fine because of the compassion I felt for the little chap.
I must have given her a crazy look because she stood up, walked to the book-case and brought a book about Buddha and Buddhism with her.
Being the greedy reader and learner I immediately started reading.
And what would you know...
It spoke to me, it enlightened me, I felt at home right away.
For years I kept on reading.
I never knew there were so many different ways to Buddhism.
At first I was tempted to find a Buddhist Temple here in Holland, but that was not that easy. There is a big wheel of motion and a small way of motion and I didn't want to chose.
I had to chose sides all my life, chose my mothers side or my fathers side, chose my sisters side or the neighbors. And like in all religions Holland has many side in Christianity too.
And don't get me starting about the many Hindu deities as well!
So I chose for myself.
I would learn everything about following the path of Buddha on my own way.
That's so typical Lizzy. Always try out herself before asking any one else.
But this time I was right.
I took refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha in a meditation and asked for Guidance.
That never stopped.
I am being guided through everything during my whole life.
As long as I stay in my own truth, nothing can touch me.
You're warm, safe and enlightened all the time.
And that was exactly what I was looking for, because that was denied to me the first half of my life.
Padmapani56 aka Lotus StGeorge. 2009
vrijdag 6 maart 2009
Give it a try.
I know I should come here more often, but for me Livejournal is THE place to be. I have tried blogs and websites all over the internet, especially now MSN has gone and I had so many communities there. For me Multiply does not work, at all. So perhaps I should give it second try over here. The past year Blogger has found me and my Livejournal blog, I am Padmapani56 there and they have honored me with a 7.6 note, for which I am thankfull because it has motivated me to go on and do better. Get a better rate. Not that I am that ambitious, far from it, the rating came as a big surprise. It tells me that more people that I know off are reading my blogs, at least the Padmapani56 and TheDailyNaveenPictureShow I also have on Livejournal. What I get out of it the bliss-full feeling of actually making a contribution people like and come back for. I am not sure I can repeat that here. But it would be nice and I should have a go at it.
I'll give it a try.
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