Lizzy's lost

I'm lost.
Yeah and Sayid is too, I know, I am trying to find him ;)
But that's a completely different story.
No, I mean really lost, mentally, spiritually, what ever. All the way.
~
It started with a sudden heart attack 13 months ago. That was a very scaring moment. I almost died, complete with a near dead experience. Usually people who have such an experience are drawn to the light, but not Lizzy. She was fighting her way back from the light.
I can't explain it other wise then that I wasn't ready to go. Yet.
Whilst on the intenive care unit I saw a long dark corridor (tunnel?) with on the other side a bright but soft white light. There were doors on both sides of the corridor and I tried to open them to hide from that white light. Not all doors were open but the ones that did invite me in showed me some important life-lessons. Like what happened to me as a child, why I had this feeling that nobody loved me or what I could do to make the rest of my life a bit more easier.
I managed to opn 11 doors, each one bringing me further away from the light. I knew that when I would step into that light I would die and I wasn't ready for it. So I fought my way back through the school-corridor as I see it now, classroom for classroom. In the meanwhile I had several run in's with a nurse on the intensive care because I was struggling for air and I couldn't breath on my back and she came in again and again to push me back on the bed. It was around 7 oclock in the morning, the sun was coming up when I tried the 12th door. But then the cardiologist came in and set me free. I could go to a normal room. I remember throwing a vert angry look at that (night) nurse and telling her that I had my lessons well learned. But I don't know why I said that. I never saw her again. A few months later my cardiologist told me I had literally fought my way back from death but directed that against the head-nurse from the ICU. I apologized but he smiled and said it just proved I wasn't going down without a fight. He said he had seen way too many patients give in that way.
~
So, Lizzy's back. But somehow I doubt if it is still the same Lizzy.
Because so many things have changed since that night. To mention a few: I am a Buddhist and I never was afraid of dying, until that night.
I don't know yet if it is the fear of dying actually. It could also mean that death is okay, I know the Bardo, I know what to do when I am dead. I belief it is the fear of suffocating that makes me so unbelievable scared.
It gives me such panic-attacks that I belief I am dying right there and then (or the other way around). It brings me Angina Pectoris and hyperventilation attacks that leaves me afraid to go some where outside my own room, for the darkness to fill in the room at night, I panic when my inhalers are not there where they should or when they show indications that they're almost empty. To go to bed without knowing I will wake up healthy the next morning.
All this anxiety have changed me. Very much. I never before lost my temper when some things didn't go the way I want them. Like walking to the door when someone rings. I have to do that in three times now. Or when I want to write a piece and make a few more writing mistakes then usually I shout at my cat because she decides to fall asleep on pen and paper, or the keyboard for the same matter. I can get really angry and upset, for nothing. It's like I am running on empty (sorry, Jackson, but please know I am a huge fan) there is almost no energy left inside of me.
And there is soooo much I want to see and do before my death. And that list is almost daily growing longer. I want to study antropology, I want to live in India, I want to see my light-child at Paris, Arkansas, I want her too meet Naveen Andrews and stay out of side but secretly watch them when they are having lunch (of course organized by yours truly). I want to learn how to swim but because of my fear of suffocating with oxygen, like scuba diving, because I want to see where the wonderful fish i my aquariums originally come from. I want to meet the Dalai Lama. And to change the interior of my room... I have so many plans, dear God, you have to grant me another 53 years on this planet, please.
I don't know if one of the things I just wrote will ever happen, but you get the meaning, huh? I can't go over yet, but I hardly have the energy either. That's so confusing. That makes me so lost.
And where is Sayid when he is needed!